You Can Disentangle Your Self-Worth and Productivity

They tell you – “be yourself”. That is not so simple. We are told – “You are worthy just because you are you.” Really? Worthy of what exactly? Love? This concept did not develop intrinsically for me. As a child, neither my family, nor society bolstered or encouraged this. My self-worth has been tied to my productivity and ability to earn a living as far back as I can remember.  I know I must break the connection I have with self-worth and productivity.

My creativity and talents were not seriously encouraged, because to earn a living in the arts was a “pipe dream”, and not a viable way to take care of myself. Can you be loved without being a contributing part of a community, a marriage, a family? I certainly didn’t think so. Slowly though, I am transforming my inner voice. It is very difficult. I take a step forward only to fall on my ass again and again. 

Self-Worth

This past weekend was my birthday. I enjoyed baking my own birthday cake and inviting all my local friends to come sing karaoke at a local bar. A bunch of people showed. Some friends even brought birthday cards. This alone was huge. I felt it. At least I think I did. I felt loved. I sensed that the people around me were truly glad I had been born over half a century ago! 

The experience was a huge step towards my inner transformation. I am loveable although I lost my job last week, although my best sometimes falls short of perfection. There wasn’t a “productive” moment all evening, unless you count a lot of laughter and singing!

Anxiety

I ruminate constantly about my imperfections. Maybe you can relate? I sincerely hope you cannot. My anxiety can get the best of me, but I am working on transforming that too. Noticing whenever possible where those feelings show up in my body. My jaw, my chest, my stomach; they are each trying to tell me something different if I just listen. 

Transforming my lack of self-worth into love, and my anxiety into inner peace is not simple.  Transformation is work. It is hard, taxing labor. Being the best you can be, and not beating yourself up for falling short of crazy, unattainable expectations doesn’t seem like it should be that difficult. For some of us however, it is a daily struggle and a lifelong process.

A New Chapter

Now I begin my transformation into healthcare job seeker. Each math problem tackled; each job application completed, brings me closer to my goal. Although I aspire to become a registered nurse, true transformation will come with inner peace, self-love, and a deeply cultivated understanding of who I am (as well as disentangling my self-worth and productivity)!