How To Choose the Right Path

Decision making has never come easily to me. There is a huge fear factor involved. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. Fear of wasting time, money, resources, all play a part in how I approach decisions. Of course there is also fear of failure, disappointing myself or others … the list goes on. How do you choose the right path?

As I move forward with my personal transformation, I am taking a hard look at how I approach decision making. Currently, I research ad nauseum, ask for input from too many people, ruminate, weigh pros and cons, make lists, and in all honesty keep myself up at night all too often. I know I need to find a new way. Every time I think about letting go, even a little bit, the anxiety creeps in.

Control

Accepting that control is a fantasy we self-perpetuate, is the place to begin. For me, I need constant reminders of what I do and do not have control over. For some people, it’s about ‘letting go and letting God’, or ‘what is meant to be will happen’. I try to remind myself of something very similar to that.

I found a graphic similar to this on Facebook and found it helpful. Using neurographic art, I created the one below for personal use. If you think it might help you, click on the image, and it will open a new tab where I have offered it as a free download.

I found a graphic similar to this one on Facebook and found it helpful. I created a visually pleasing one to display near my desk. If you think it might help you, click on the image and it will open a new tab, where I have offered it as a free download.

Perfectionism

Additionally, I am a perfectionist which feeds right into all those fears. There is a big difference between ‘I made a mistake’ and ‘I’m an idiot’. It is important what you say to yourself when you fall short of expectations. Usually, the ones you self-impose are unrealistic to begin with, and those set by others are not a measure of your self-worth.

Perfectionism and needing to be in control can both be symptoms of a larger self-love deficiency, and a deep fear of abandonment.

Awareness

I am aware of my need to be in control and not make mistakes. Understanding where these needs and fears come from is essential for growth. What if an outcome is not pleasant or satisfactory? What if I make a huge mistake? What will I lose? Who will I lose?

As an adult, you have no choice but to make decisions. Even the smallest ones, like what to have for dinner, can feel daunting at times.

The Anxiety & Depression Center says:

‘… frequent difficulty with making decisions may also be part of an anxiety disorder, a depressive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or trauma disorder.’

anxietyanddepressioncenter.com

That explains a lot! Over the years, all these things have been issues for me. I’ve self-sabotaged with both procrastination and overachievement. Imposter Syndrome follows me in much of what I do accomplish. But I keep growing, learning, doing the work, and putting one foot in front of the other.

Moving Forward

Learning to love and even parent myself is a necessary step forward. It’s helpful sometimes to articulate out loud:

• ‘It’s going to be okay.’
• ‘You’re going to be okay.’ 
• ‘You did your best.’
•  ‘Had you known better, you would have done better.’
• ‘Loss is a part of living.’
• ‘Change is growth.’

Remembering what I might say to my one of my children if they were very upset about an outcome of a decision they made, is also a helpful tool. Listen, reassure, comfort. Self-compassion is not an easy skill, but exceptionally necessary.

Below are some strategies that help me. Maybe you will find them helpful.

• Limit my choices (reduce options).
• Make a time constrained plan.
• Quickly brainstorm pros and cons.
• Research (but try not to get lost in it).
• Ask ONE person you trust for their opinion. 
• Avoid the perfection trap (failure is a learning tool).
• Practice some calming self-care (breathing, a long hot bath…)
• Get creative. Literally, draw, paint, sing, crochet, write …
• Change your environment. A new space can provide a new perspective.

All these things take practice and patience. I still struggle. But I think I am struggling just a little bit less than I used to. Asking for help can be scary, but it is crucial to let those who love you know when you are struggling. Sometimes someone taking a small decision off your plate, can make a world of difference.

Help

If you seriously battle with indecisiveness, asking for professional help is a great place to start. You may or may not suffer from anxiety, depression, or PTSD, but psychotherapy can be so very helpful in moving forward. I know I would not be the person I am today without all the help I have gotten over the years.

One of my new favorite quotes:

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

Looking forward to your comments and suggestions. If you don’t want to comment publicly, feel free to contact me here.