I Really Hated Myself. And Then I Flipped A Switch!

I began one of my most grueling transformations ten years ago. This transformation was both physical and psychological. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, working in an industry I hated, and trying to parent my children (who were rapidly approaching adulthood). I was a wreck and had gained over 130 pounds. My eldest daughter didn’t weigh 130 pounds. I had gained an entire human being. When I looked in the mirror, I really hated myself. I hated everything about myself. Not just what I saw on the outside, but everything about who I had become. There was a deep self-loathing. I still struggle with that. 

On top of the weight, I had developed severe irritable bowel syndrome. Some research I read suggested cutting out gluten. I knew I was a sugar addict, and that sugar had to go as well. Barely able to move, I weighed 299 pounds. I carried the weight well (or so I told myself), but I saw that number on the scale and cried. I cried, and I panicked. There was no way I was going to let myself hit 300 pounds. I knew one thing: I wanted to be around for my kids. I wanted a future where I could be active and playful. Seeing that number flipped a switch in my brain.

And So It Begins.

I cut out gluten and sugar. It wasn’t easy, but I cut them both out cold turkey. Carbonated drinks of any kind, and caffeine were the next to go. I focused on high protein, low carb meals. I didn’t give up carbs completely, but when you are gluten free being low carb is a lot easier.

Going to the gym was out of the question. I felt such a deep sense of shame for having allowed myself to become so heavy and so unhealthy. So, I started at home. I began by doing Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies II. It’s still my favorite at home workout. Ten years later I still have all the moves memorized. I did that video for months. I did it every single day for months.

Heading In The Right Direction

After about four weeks I really started to feel better. My IBS was under control, and I had dropped almost 15 pounds. The weight was coming off, and I was exercising without completely losing my breath. I kept at it daily, and the weight continued to come off. It began to come off more slowly, but it was still a steady decline. 

About four months in, I decided it was time to try the gym. I purchased some new exercise clothes and training shoes. Still lacking confidence, but feeling kind of cute in my new outfits, I went to the gym. I started with the elliptical, because it was really the only cardio machine that didn’t hurt my knees.

After about a month of daily visits to the gym, I started to add in some strength training. I had no idea how to use the machines at the gym. My lack of knowledge made me very self-conscious. The machines had small instructional pictures on them as a guide, but I was afraid to hurt myself. I knew enough to know that form was important. I started by sheepishly asking for help from the people at the desk. This worked for a little while, but eventually the gym staff told me that I would need a trainer to really benefit from proper strength training. I didn’t really have the money for a trainer, but I also knew I didn’t have the money to be chronically ill or in pain.

The gym had a program where I could work with a trainer twice a week for a flat fee. I bit the bullet and charged a month of training. Paying for the sessions forced accountability. I couldn’t afford to lose the money. One month of training turned into two and then three. I was nine months into my journey at this point, and I had lost about 145 pounds. At ten months I had lost a total of 156 pounds and felt healthier than I had ever felt in my life.

Change Is The Only Constant.

I decided to grow my hair out too. The changes were coming fast and furious. I embraced each moment with the knowledge that even if things felt strange, it was mostly because they were new. Many more changes were on the horizon: ending the emotionally abusive relationship, selling my home, moving to another state…

Then & Now

Ten years ago, I was in my 40’s; and although it was incredibly challenging, now that I am in my 50’s, a similar, albeit less extreme transformation, feels exponentially more difficult. Recently, I have put on quite a bit of weight, and have strayed from my healthy lifestyle. It’s about finding myself again. What do I want in this next chapter of my life? How do I want to feel? How do I want to show up in the world? I think these are questions we need to ask ourselves routinely. 

I’m back at the gym, I’ve purchased a stand-up desk converter and a walking pad. I’ve included links in this post to a few of the products I am using along my journey. 

Additionally, I will share some healthy recipes along the way, and offer journal pages that can be purchased and downloaded for personal use. These pages will have questions and writing exercises that will be helpful with all sorts of transformations! Click here to purchase and download the first of what I hope to be many more.

Writing has always helped me formulate ideas, label and understand emotions, and analyze behaviors, past and present. It is a powerful tool. Maybe it can help you too?

Join me in my journey of transformation.

Contact me directly if you have personal questions you’d rather not leave in the comments.