My Relationship With Motherhood – Some Personal Growth

I have a complicated relationship with motherhood to say the least. Obviously I am somebody’s daughter. Depending on your spiritual perspective, I may or may not have been given a choice in that regard. I am also a mother which gives me a different and deeper perspective on motherhood.

Some spiritual beliefs indicate that you choose your parents; or your soul chooses how and through whom you will experience birth. Your spirit understands what it is you most need to learn during this incarnation, and so wisely chooses the best possible spirit to assist. Maybe this is true. It is surely not something we can know for certain.

My Adoption

My adoptive mother (I was adopted at 6 weeks of age) lacked both the skills and psychological maturity and wherewithal to mother. I know she did the best with what she had available to her emotionally. I believe I was wanted and loved, but I never felt that as a child. My first six weeks (a crucial time for mother-child bonding), I had no one to bond with. This created a wound so deep that at 54 I am still struggling to heal it.

My Reunion

At twenty-eight, I was reunited with my birth mother. As amazing and wonderful as that experience was, it was a difficult time for everyone. By that point I was already a mother of four myself, with another one on the way. Both my partner and my birth mother’s partner had a hard time with our intense need to bond physically. We held each other for hours on end for many weeks. I don’t regret a minute of that time as it was a very necessary part of our healing.

My adoptive mother was still alive at the time and resented my search, my reunion and ultimately resented the bond and relationship I developed with my birth mother. To nurture this bond and build this relationship, we moved our family to the state where my mother resides. I remained there for about seventeen years. My adoptive mother never really worked through the resentment, and refused to have a meaningful, constructive conversation about any of it.

My Motherhood

As a parent of young children I tried very hard to give my kids what I felt I lacked. I tried very hard to show affection and encouragement at all times. I nursed all my babies, and held them in my arms whenever possible. No one is a perfect parent, we all just try our best with what we have. Not being afforded a very good example of motherhood, I know I struggled and fell short often.

Today I am a mother of five adult children, one of whom does not speak to me for reasons he refuses to share with anyone. I wish I could say I was very close with the other four kids, but that would be a fallacy. They all have busy lives and live all over the country. One of my children, my youngest son, currently lives with us; and while I certainly know much of his daily life and hopes, I lack the deeper connection to his emotional world.

My adoptive mother has been gone for some time. Her passing was emotionally difficult. We did not have the opportunity to say goodbye or resolve any of our issues. I’m still close with my birth mom. It is a relationship I treasure and feel grateful for daily. We don’t talk all the time like we used to, and we don’t live close enough to enjoy any cuddle time. But when we are together, I somehow feel a sense of wholeness that I lacked for a very long time.

That same feeling of completion is there when I am with my children. I haven’t had them all in the same place at the same time for quite awhile, and I miss that. Maybe that can happen in the not too distant future.

Our Future

My daughters have yet to become mothers. That may not be the path they choose. Seeing me struggle with motherhood may be somewhat of a deterrent. It is certainly their choice if motherhood is a commitment they want to make.

By far, although challenging, motherhood is the best choice I have ever made in life. I wouldn’t change it for the world, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I hope at some point I have the opportunity to grandparent, and that would be a whole new perspective for a Mother’s Day blog! That new dynamic will likely change my relationship with my mother as well.

If you are reading this on Mother’s Day, I hope whatever relationship with motherhood you have allows you to enjoy your day.

Comment below, or reach out to me personally here. Whether you are a new mom, a working mom, a stay at home mom, an older mom, yearning to be a mom, a mom who has lost a child, a child who has lost a mom, in a strained mother-child relationship, or have chosen not to be a mom, I’d love to hear from you.