Self-Sabotage: How to Recognize It & 10 Ways to Combat It

What is self-sabotage? 

Self-sabotage is the act or habit of behaving either consciously or subconsciously in ways that interfere with one’s own goals, values, well-being, or relationships. These behaviors can include self-medicating, procrastinating, lashing out, injuring oneself, avoiding difficult conversations, giving up, or focusing on perfection (to name a few).

Why do we do these things? 

Self-sabotage stems from dysfunctional and/or distorted beliefs that may have risen from past trauma or prior negative outcomes. We are striving to protect ourselves from unwanted emotional pain and stress. If you believe you are unworthy, unlovable, selfish, or unimportant, reaching your goals may not be something you feel you deserve. You can be afraid of failure or even afraid of success. How do you reconcile obtaining a dream if you have convinced yourself you are not worthy of obtaining it? Reaching that goal can blow a huge hole in your distorted self-image, creating even more cognitive dissonance.

Those of you who read my blog for my personal take on things know that I can struggle with my mental health. Years of therapy and self-reflection have allowed me the luxury of recognizing why I do some of the things I do. Unfortunately, I am not able to always recognize it until after I have done something rather self-sabotaging. It is in this gray zone between emotion and reaction that I struggle to find a quiet space for curiosity.

Recognizing Our Own Behaviors

Some of us recognize our self-sabotaging behaviors, others don’t. Those of us who do, can get caught in a defeating loop of attempts to correct it. Sometimes consequences to our actions do not immediately follow the behavior. This can make recognizing self-sabotaging behaviors difficult. The connection is not always clear.

On a more personal note, I have observed the following behaviors in myself: I self-medicate with food (sugar being my biggest culprit), I procrastinate when I fear the outcome or deem the task less than desirable, I injure myself in numerous ways (skin picking, subconscious clumsiness), I avoid difficult conversations, and struggle constantly with perfectionism bordering on OCD.

Before behaving in any of the ways described above (self-medicating, procrastinating, lashing out, injuring oneself, avoiding difficult conversations, giving up, or focusing on perfection), try and ask yourself one or more of these questions:

• Is this behavior in tune with what I see for my future?
• Is this behavior in line with my values? (If you are questioning those, check out my values worksheet.)
• What are you feeling in your body as you progress towards your goal? Are you anxious, sad, scared? Ask yourself why.
• Are your goals and expectation limited by what others have told you about yourself, or by what you have come to believe about yourself? 

I am getting better at “catching” these behaviors, but I still struggle. My spouse helps keep me accountable which can be hard to hear sometimes, but I truly value the reminders.

Learning to Change – 10 Tricks

Here are 10 tricks to help you recognize behaviors and work through some of your feelings.

• Document your behavior (yes, I am telling you to journal again!). Write down how you feel physically and emotionally. Eventually you may be able to write BEFORE you initiate the subconscious reaction. Do this regularly for a few months. You will likely find patterns and triggers when you look back over the entries.
• Set realistic achievable goals. Setting small obtainable goals will help boost your self-esteem. One accomplishment can build on the next. Make a detailed plan with clearly delineated steps. Celebrate each success.
• Strive for excellence, NOT perfection.
• Monitor your self-talk. Focus on self-compassion. What would you say to your child or best friend who struggled with similar behaviors?
• Develop healthy habits. I know this one is easier said than done. But healthy eating, getting enough quality sleep, and moving more, even a little, can go a long way towards feeling better about yourself.
• Take a moment and HALT. Ask yourself if you may be Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. It seems easy, but we are susceptible to self-destructive behaviors when these basic needs are unmet.
• Reflect on your dreams and values.
• Share your goals. Find someone who can help keep you accountable. This can be a weekly phone call with your bestie, or an evening check-in with your spouse.
• Challenge your behaviors. Continually ask yourself why you are doing things the way you are. Just noticing can help move you towards change.
• Remember that you cannot control the outcome of your efforts, but you can control your behavior and the things you tell yourself. “I get knocked down, but I get up again!”

You may be wondering what has worked for me. Honestly, different things have worked at different times. I am notoriously hard on myself. Remembering to challenge my behaviors, and strive for excellence over perfection, is where I am currently. My goal of becoming a registered nurse pales in comparison to the goal of being a good person, a good friend, a good wife, and a good mother. I firmly believe if I am able to act in my best interest to obtain these more lofty goals, I will become my best self, and therefore become a caring and well-educated nurse.

Keep Questioning

Do what works for you. Hopefully one or more of the tips above will help. It is beneficial to question things. Why do you make the choices you do? What were you thinking or feeling when you made that decision? How did you feel afterwards? What was going on in your body? Where in your body did you feel the unease? What can you do differently? How can you encourage different behavior choices?

Creating a chart to help track some of these moments in your life might be advantageous. It may help you brainstorm ideas about how you might respond differently and/or more in concert with your goals, beliefs, and values. Click this link to download a blank copy of the above chart. 

I recently discovered this book. “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho. I have started reading it, and will give an honest review once I am through. Maybe you’d like to read it with me?

This quote hit home:

“Self-sabotaging is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby

Like or comment below. Keep reading my blog! I hope to hear from you.