All The Wrong Moves – More Subconscious Sabotage

I know I’m being too hard on myself, but I’m furious and frustrated. As usual, I did not consciously anticipate the consequences of my careless behavior. More subconscious sabotage!

A few weeks ago, I went outside to finish some gardening. I should’ve known better than to wear open back Birkenstock style sandals. But at the moment I thought to myself – this will only take a few minutes; I’m just repotting a few flowers. In the time it took to think that thought, I twisted my ankle and came down hard on the outside of my right foot.

The minute I hit the ground, I knew it wasn’t good. I was alone in the backyard except for one of our dogs, Ryker. I hollered a few choice expletives, and my poor old Jack Russell Terrier mix looked at me worried and confused. At least that’s what I hope he was thinking. More likely he was thinking: “You dumb human can’t stay upright for very long. Can you? What do you want me to do about it?”

Forcing myself to standing, I hobbled around on it for a few minutes, willing myself to complete my task. Very possibly, another dumb move.

Once the flowers were in the pot, I limped inside, got on the couch with an ice pack, and raised my foot. After giving it about 10 to 15 minutes, the pain made me realize it was likely more than just mild bruising. I texted my son (who currently lives with us.)

Off to Urgent Care

“ I think you need to take me to urgent care”, I tell him. It was my right foot, so driving was out of the question.

In keeping with his usual grunting, and nodding, I receive ‘K’ back on my phone, as my family has learned there is likely no point in asking what has happened. Mom has injured herself again.

Urgent care sent me to a walk-in (irony no?) urgent orthopedist who confirmed a spiral fracture on the fifth metatarsal bone of my right foot.

Healing

It has been a few weeks. First I was in a boot (saved from when I broke my ankle and heel approximately a year ago) with a scooter, then in a post-op shoe.

The foot has gone through multiple color changes and various levels of pain. I’m in a sneaker now and bearing weight, but it’s still hurts most of the day. It gets worse as the hours pass and I do more on my feet.

Last week’s post was about self sabotage. My spouse thinks I may be subconsciously doing things to injure myself to force rest. I am always doing and on the go. Having given this great consideration, I believe she may be correct. Is this subconscious sabotage? Discussing this with my therapist is at the top of my list!

I am just so angry with myself and depressed. I cannot be as productive as I normally am, and I guess that’s the point.

Moving Forward

For now, I need to find self-compassion. It’s just so difficult. In addition to the anger, frustration and sadness, there’s guilt. I feel awful that I cannot do the things I need to do to keep the house afloat without suffering the consequences by late afternoon. Standing to cook dinner, to do laundry, or dishes is nearly impossible.

I am hoping these really unpleasant feelings will help remind me to slow down in the future and pay attention. My brain thinks that I am 25, but my body keeps reminding me that I am 54.

In two weeks, I am traveling home to New York City with a good friend. There will be pain, and I will need to move more slowly than I am used to. How dare I act carelessly? Potentially ruining our trip?

On my healing agenda is completing my self-sabotage worksheet again. I’m going to practice some positive self-talk and self-compassion. I know nurturing my self-worth and self-esteem are essential to healing. The goal is to catch these behaviors before they happen. I want to be the best me possible, not only for myself, but for everyone I love. I will strive to love myself more so I hurt myself less.

Please reach out, like and/or comment below. Can you identify any behaviors that might be subconscious sabotage? I would love to hear from you!