Transforming My Relationship With Myself (A Personal Journey)

Currently I am working hard on my relationship with myself. My behaviors and emotions are complicated. I can only assume that my carelessness, self-mutilation, and self-destructive behaviors stem from a deep-seated self-hatred. 

A Bit of History

I was adopted at six weeks of age from an agency in Texas and raised in New York City. I grew up feeling unwanted and most definitely unlovable. My adoptive mother couldn’t mother. Maybe she just didn’t know how. Maybe she was too old. Maybe she was overly concerned about my father’s health, or outward appearances. I’ll never know. It was probably some combination of all those things. She has been gone for some time now and refused to have an adult conversation about any of it; Resorting to defensiveness and/or blaming me (the child). I was very neglected – or certainly felt that way.

At a very early age, I was labeled by my mother as a selfish child. As an adult, I have done nothing but try to prove her wrong. I’ve become a self-effacing people pleaser. Just another thing to hate about myself. How do you break such an ingrained notion? Self-care, therapy, and affirmations only go so far.

As a child I internalized my anger, which transformed into intense neediness and sadness. It also created a multitude of abdominal problems; the answer to which my mother thought was sending me to birthday parties with yogurt to consume, while my friends enjoyed pizza, cake, and ice cream. Of course, this did nothing for my stomach problems, which had (in hindsight) been the result of suppressed emotions.

I did not have the love for my mother a child should have. Although I never felt a true connection, I was afraid to express the anger, rage, and resentment I felt in case I would be abandoned once again. This anger, rage, and resentment turned inwards, and it has remained there ever since.

Current Events

From picking at sores on my skin, not allowing them to heal, leaving ghastly scars all over my body – to not paying attention to my surroundings, bumping into things, falling, breaking bones, and getting hurt far more than I should, I am acutely aware of my dysregulated behaviors.

Unfortunately, I tend not to realize my actions until it is too late. These are knee jerk reactions and ingrained behaviors I am desperately trying to change. I sabotage relationships, jobs, and even my own health when things are either going too well (I can’t possibly deserve that), or poorly (I’d better create an ‘out’ before something worse happens).

Transformation Takes Time & Practice

So where to go from here? How do I improve my relationship with myself? I am in therapy – that’s a must, and she is honestly amazing. (Checkout Array Behavioral Care to find a great online therapist!) It is her help which has brought me to a place where I am somewhat hopeful that I can change, and that I deserve to.

The task at hand is to notice, and become inquisitive, about what I am feeling both emotionally, and in my body, BEFORE I react with a negative behavior, or with some other coping mechanism. This takes diligence and practice.

As an adult, these coping mechanisms manifest in many ways. Currently, it seems to be a chronic need to “do”. I am a “doer” by nature, so it is very easy to fall into this trap. What is wrong with being productive? Well, if you are ‘doing’ to avoid ‘feeling’, there’s an issue.

Art therapy and writing are helping, but I can get caught in the self-worth cycle with that as well. I am reminding myself daily that it is not about profit. It is about self-care.

Today

I don’t think I am angry anymore, or truly resentful either. I am thankful I am who I am, and that I was raised in New York City with a deep and passionate love for the arts, music, and theatre. Although I struggle a lot, I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn the lessons I was put here to learn. I understand that developing a healthy relationship with myself is a life long process.

As a mother (of now adult children), I hope I did better. I certainly wasn’t perfect, but I am willing to listen, and talk about those imperfections honestly – desiring a closer relationship with my kids.

My relationship with myself is the most important relationship of my life. I intent to keep working diligently to improve it.

I keep hoping this blog will resonate with some, and hopefully help them feel less alone. If you are moved to comment, please do so below, or shoot me an email. I am open to all suggestions and meaningful, helpful conversations. Read this post to see how all of these issues affect my decision making. A donation button has been added to the blog because education is expensive (Google apparently won’t place ads on my site yet). Even a small amount will help offset those expenses and keep this blog up and running. Feel free to check out my purchasable artwork as well. Thanks for reading and following!

Quote for the day:

“The longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Make it a good one!”